Indicators of my state of mind

My plan since the beginning of March was to finally start with the thread of chronicle-dissertations about the months when I was sick (the burnout but not only) describing my condition/disorder/syndrome that has affected me since ever and will continue to affect forever. This was because after some months in therapy I was finally going to go through a neuropsychological evaluation with the objective of confirming my suspicions.

But the therapist responsible for that, that I can say is my favourite therapist, not because she's the one that advises me the nest but because she is less than 30 yo and those who know me are aware that I love talking with young people, in particular women (and if they're good looking...), has yet to conclude our discussion on the report and so I still don't know what are the next proposed steps (and I need to convince her that I should go through additional evaluations).

So for this reason here's another text that demonstrates how is it possible to check in what state I am by simply checking my activity online, on the social media (and those who keep closer in touch, can better confirm).

After several years I am able to realise that during the period of one year, or during a yearly cycle, I go through several states or phases. There are four that I say are regular and I alternate between them, although I cannot yet identify a repeating pattern and I already noticed that they don't occur always at the same time of the year. If there's a cyclical patter or a clear cause-effect relation I haven't been able to figure out what those are...

The fifth state was the state I got into during last Summer and that I hope I won't return to for a very long time.

The Normal state

When I'm normal I share photos and other stuffs such as videos or news, I comment on other people's posts with measure. One of the most comment online activity is to joke or make fun of stuff, in my own profile or feed but also when commenting on others'. In the blog (my main one is the one in portuguese) I write regularly, around 3 times each 2 weeks and in the personal level (face to face or chatting online) I talk to people and seem to be generally in good mood.

The Busy/Tired state 

This state is almost the same as the Normal state but I write less in the blog, that is the first place where you can see my activity slowing down, since my texts there take up more time, that I don;'t have when I'm in this state. Online activity in other social media continues but it's also a bit less, with some days of no online activity at all.

The Lunatic state 

In this state I become hyperactive; there's more online activity, in all of the social media, but it's clear the increase of original content production, such as posting videos on YouTube or in the blog with more and longer texts, full of details and research references. One way to confirm I'm in the Lunatic state is by seeing that I'm particular active on Twitter.

On the personal level and at work I'm super reactive and communicative.

All of this excess energy will most of the times lead to the next state.

The Semi-Depressive state 

This sate manifests when I become exhausted (mentally but also physically) from the previous period (Lunatic state). And during a couple of times I noticed this was appearing when I returned after some visit (vacation) to Portugal. I forget, or abandon, the blog and I'll continue to comment here and there on social media but there's a lot less posting of my own content except one or two photos shared on Instagram every other week. What I do at this state is to consume a lot of videos on YouTube. I still talk to people but only when they contact me first as I'm never the one to engage in a conversation when I'm in this state.

This state is temporary, sometimes it lasts longer than I want, but I recover to the Normal state on my own.

The Fucked state 

I disappear from social media. Maybe there's an occasional like (or similar reaction) because I still open social media (sites or apps) to see what's happening. There's a social media that is full of activity: YouTube but only to consume, excessively, so impossible to notice by others. The worst behaviour when I'm like this is that I actively avoid talking to people and that means I ignore the messages I get. From a working point of view, I start to avoid tasks and finding excuses to skip meetings (if I'm not on sick leave).

If I reach this state I need external help because I'm in a hole and I continue to dig further deep...

Note: This text was originally written in Portuguese and published on Apr 25, 2021 (hence that published date) but only adapted to English on Apr 29, 2022.