Around 3 weeks ago I'd already done a very little introduction for this text and saved it as draft. The image on top was already chosen (and edited cause I had to search and then combine the 2 separate ones) and the title was also set. But without writing more content, and with other ideas in mind, I used Facebook to make a survey on what my next dissertation theme should be. I was surprised since the post was shared in a group of people from my home town (Sever do Vouga, in Portugal) and because liking the post was the reaction to cast a vote on this one, I counted 16 votes from different people. The little synopsis I used to describe what this text would be was: how I think I have one thing (ADHD), one psychologist thinks I'm a sociopath, another that I have Asperger's and finally a third one thinks it's just intellectual giftedness.
But before moving onto these different diagnosis, and provide more insight on the latest, I think I must tell the story from the beginning, so if you may, please click on the link before this. But if you're only interested in the process I went through for the diagnosis, that I'm still not sure when it will be final, you may continue reading the following paragraphs.
Those who have read the above linked story will now know that when I got to the burnout I started seeing a psychologist/therapist. C. tried to help me based on the specifications provided by the company doctor and so the problems listed there were the ones that were preventing me to work properly. Even though I always mentioned that those were a consequence of my own personal state, this dutch habit of doing what's in the plan, by the book, caused her to focus only on that point; so I was already suspicious when she gave me her first advices: use a mood lamp during day time and hear tropical forest sounds at night while sleeping.
But the worst part was her feedback that I was incapable of having emotional connections with other people, that when I talked I only described thoughts never feelings. Being the way I am, I obviously jumped into a conclusion that she was suggesting I was a sociopath, that are considered to be people unable to make real connections with others and that are never able to keep a job for a longer period (which C. thought was my case). In reality this condition she described would be Alexithymia, because she was always pushing me to describe feelings instead of thoughts, but she never mentioned this specific condition (I'm now convinced that she's not even aware there's a name for this).
Basically the sessions would leave me feeling worse than before, and her insistence in asking questions that I had no answer to and following them up with "but is it OK to not have an answer?", that also left me speechless because to me yes, it is OK but to others maybe it's not, only left my brain overheating and fuming. I know that some people will think that she was just posing the uncomfortable questions to make me reflect on them, mas we would get stuck in a messed up yarn and she didn't give me any help to untangle its knots.
And then she thought I needed to learn how to talk normally to people, putting me through scenarios like arriving to work in a morning and meeting a colleague that was sad because his/her plant died so I should show empathy and understand that the plant had an emotional value for that person; meaning I should know what to say to comfort that person! But I know perfectly what to say, talking to people and identifying how they are feeling inside was rarely a problem for me! Anyway...
I tried to give her a couple of chances and see if she was indeed right but I was becoming worse and worse so I told the company doctor that it wasn't working and I started treatment with I., with a referral from the GP to diagnose for possible ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).
As I wrote on my story, I. helped me a lot but she was more inclined for a Asperger's Syndrome (this is no longer used as it is not part of the Autism Spectrum, but those are evaluation and diagnosis criteria). For a better context, Asperger's is what Elon Musk (Tesla and SpaceX) has, so it's not necessarily being a freak has some might think (Greta Thunberg, the environmental activist, was also diagnosed with Asperger's).
But the truth is that I. seems to be biased for this diagnosis, as she also said that Sebas my son also had Asperger's and not ADHD, even though he was diagnosed with ADHD (and SPD, Sensory Processing Disorder) by another institution that also confirmed he has some traits of autism (that everyone has, some more than others) but not enough to be considered autistic.
However the characteristic more commonly associated with Asperger's is the difficulty in the social interaction, that Sebas does have but not because he doesn't like social, and that is something that I don't have at all (although I do get tired of people easily, but we'll get to that part).
After some time with I., and making good progress, I finally started the process that lead me to the clinic in the first place: an psychological evaluation.
And for that I had some sessions with M., that I already knew since she helped us with Sebas as well. And it was M that diagnosed me with a new thing: Twice exceptional (High Gifted + Asperger's)!
In the synopsis I wrote at the time in Facebook I only mentioned Intellectual Giftedness (aka High Gifted) because that was the only diagnosis I was aware at the time (I had 3 separate appointments with her to discuss the evaluation report) and so I start with that one since it's the less contentious diagnosys, even though it will most likely be the one that people will brush aside more quickly or more often.
M. put me through the WAIS-III IQ test (an evaluation always starts with that, Sebas went through the same as well), the Portuguese version of it.
This test calculates 2 types of IQ, Verbal and Performance, via 4 groups of sub-tests (called indexes). The combined result of the thirteen sub-tests (there's one missing in the image below) is what allows to calculate the Total IQ.
As you can see this is not one of those tests that one can do online that lasts 5 minutes, not even a test where you have to say "Person, Elephant, TV" like Trump bragged about. These were 2 sessions of 1,5 hours each. But why did this test lead to the diagnosis of Intellectual Giftedness? Because of what is written in the report (sorry the text is in Portuguese but I'll translate it next, and yes the IQ value is obfuscated because it might lead to wrong interpretations, in particular if people compare the number to others got from an online test, or with values that are randomly thrown out there by whoever without any context):
Bruno's Full-Scale IQ is 1XX, outperforming 99.7% of adults in the same age group (FSIQ = 1XX; Percentile Rank = 99.7; 95% Confidence Interval = 1XX-1XX). This Full-Scale IQ value is considered a much higher value of intellectual functioning compared to adults in his age group (mean IQT: 100 ± 1 standard deviation: 15).The Verbal IQ obtained through the Vocabulary, Similarities, Arithmetic, Digit Span Information, Comprehension and Letter-Number Sequencing subtests is 1XX, surpassing 99.9% of the adults in his age group (VIQ = 1XX, Percentile Rank = 99.9; 95% Confidence Interval = 1XX-1XX). This Verbal IQ value is considered to be a much higher value compared to adults in his age group (mean IQT: 100 ± 1 standard deviation: 15).The Performance IQ is obtained through the Picture Completion, Digit Symbol-Coding, Matrix Reasoning, Block Design, Symbol Search and Object Assembly subtests. Bruno scored XXX, outperforming 99.9% of adults in his age group (IQ = 1XX; Percentile Rank = 99.9; 95% Confidence Interval = 1XX - 1XX). This Performance IQ value is considered a much higher value compared to adults in his age group (mean IQT: 100 ± 1 standard deviation: 15).
At first this doesn't seem like an problem or how does knowing I'm high gifted helps me, but in reality I now have a justification for behaviours and situations I experienced during my time. By looking at the percentages, for example the Verbal and Performance IQs, the ones most applicable for a working environment and the daily interactions, if I'm in a group of 1000 people I don't find anyone else that is like me. I have to enlarge this group to 2000 people to find someone else similar to me. So this allowed to get an answer to questions that I had frequently, almost every day, when at work, such as "am I speaking chinese or something and that's why no one understands me?!", "but why are we losing time with these questions when it's perfectly clear what has been initially said?!" and above all "why are they telling me this that I already know again?!". Unlike what I previously thought it was normal, most people need more time and more information to reach the same conclusions that I normally reach very quickly. And so I need to learn to control my frustration, and also in lowering my expectations, when engaging with most of the other people.
It is curious that I do that very well when engaging with clients/customers, one of the reasons that makes me good at my job in technical support, but that is because I always assume that the customer knows way less about the product most of the times, and my role is to help him and teach, or educate, him at the same time. But with coworkers I always assumed that the we were at the same level, or to better put it since I always though I was very good at what I do, their level was lower but comparable.
The intellectual giftedness also explains part of my issue with other people: as I wrote above people easily bore me out, or it becomes apparent that they are below my expectations for them, I lose interest and I disconnect. By looking to the percentages again as I mentioned before, we can understand why that happens.
But about the rest? At first M. said it was just this but I insisted in ADHD, because when looking to the diagnosis criteria many of them match with me. And one important reason is that ADHD is considered to be hereditary, my son Sebas has it and I'm convinced my father does have it too since he exhibits so many traits. But M. didn't observed any attention deficit issues, despite me having those but caused mostly by external stimuli, nor does she thinks I'm impulsive, although I think I am but only at home (rarely when in another environment or outside). She thinks that Asperger's fits better in particular because of the hyperfocus but that to me is a point of discord since I believe that one of traits of ADHD is precisely having hyperfocus when the theme or subject is of interest. Also almost all of the people with diagnosed Asperger's experienced some kind of development delay in childhood, nothing concerning, but a delay in starting to walk or to talk when comparing to the average kids. Adding to this (and to the social interaction) they have limited interests (in the total number). None of that applies to me, that if anything different occurred during childhood was that I developed faster than average and my interests, even though might be special and unique, are not at all limited in their total number, since I am interested by a ton of different things, many of those completely trivial and common in many guys (sports, cars, motorcycles, music, television, cinema, girls).
Since apparently there are no tests to confirm Asperger's (it's done from observation and a sort of medical history) I convinced M. to give me a ADHD test (for adults is much harder to diagnose than for children mainly because adults have been coping with it and found methods to compensate even without realising). That test I did it last Monday but I still believe it won't change the diagnostic since it was done in a controlled and quiet environment so there were no external stimuli besides M. herself to make me lose focus or attention.
But when the time comes to discuss that test, and after I have read more about the Twice Exceptional condition in adulthood, either I change my mind or I convince M. to do something else...
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