It was 3 years ago, in 2019, that I realised that I shouldn't classify myself as a catholic, not even a christian. It was in April that I was going through a period of freedom, and that makes sense since April for us Portuguese is the month of freedom (the Carnation Revolution that ended 48 years of authoritarian dictatorship) and so I decided to get free of my religion. No longer believing in a God (which I had doubts ever since my teenage years), not even an higher power, also already convinced since some years before that the resurrection of Christ was a political decision, it made no sense to continue celebrating religious festivities. Of course, I had more than 30 years of being a catholic and all the cultural tradition of Easter so this is why I'm still conflicted when the Holy Week arrives.
How does someone that used to be a soloist choir boy, that read scriptures in church, becomes an atheist after more than 30 years? It is not due to any abuse, nor even gaining a disdain for religion (although I do have one for some variants and for some aspects). I was raised roman catholic and it's curious that I actually believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ, as I think they are an excellent life philosophy. The teachings and acts that we know of him today are very positive and were we to follow them the world would be truly a better place. But as the years rolled by I grew up further apart from religion, in particular from the Roman Church institution. Three years ago, I wrote I still believed in a higher power, just that I no longer believed it to be the God of Abraham. Actually, I don't even believe in a higher power anymore, there is no spiritual being or manifestation of the universe's will. There's nothing supernatural except for what we create ourselves in works of fiction.
This is due I guess to a sort of enlightenment as I grew older and better understood science and I become a person of science myself (not a scientist as per the word definition). Even though I still have the feeling (I guess is due to all the religious nurturing) that science and faith (religion) are not mutually exclusive, I have been finding perfectly logic explanations for most of the teachings and events reported in the Bible, so that left no more room for the "God's work" theory.
Expanding a bit on what I just wrote regarding Christ's teachings and how I feel they're awesome, this is basically because his message was very simple, a lot simpler than what the Church continues to profess. For instance, Catholic church continues to study and talk about the 10 Commandments but Christ himself left us one New Commandment, that in the same way as the Pater Noster ("Our Father" prayer), was supposed to supersede, thus to replace, all previous ones. He gave us one commandment and one prayer to rule them all (yes, a LOTR reference) but the Church still teaches lots of different prayers and in theory people are supposed to go by all of the classical ten commandments!
But even though I believe in Christ's words and also believe Jesus Christ is a real historical figure, I no longer believe that he's the son of God, or God made human, and thus don't believe he resurrected. As I wrote above, the resurrection of Jesus Christ was a political decision taken in the First Council of Nicaea and it was needed to turn Christ into a divine being and make it easier for his acceptance in the Roman Empire. Notice that the previous religion was full of mighty Gods with supernatural powers, that the Roman Emperor himself was considered a divine being, so the main figure of the new religion couldn't be a simple man from humble origins. Also by resurrecting himself, they made Jesus beat death on his own. No other god before managed to do that. Gods had been killed and resurrected but by the work of others, never on their own. The new God and Jesus as the personification of God, was mightier than all of the previous ones. That is the political reasoning for me.
But even though I believe in Christ's words and also believe Jesus Christ is a real historical figure, I no longer believe that he's the son of God, or God made human, and thus don't believe he resurrected. As I wrote above, the resurrection of Jesus Christ was a political decision taken in the First Council of Nicaea and it was needed to turn Christ into a divine being and make it easier for his acceptance in the Roman Empire. Notice that the previous religion was full of mighty Gods with supernatural powers, that the Roman Emperor himself was considered a divine being, so the main figure of the new religion couldn't be a simple man from humble origins. Also by resurrecting himself, they made Jesus beat death on his own. No other god before managed to do that. Gods had been killed and resurrected but by the work of others, never on their own. The new God and Jesus as the personification of God, was mightier than all of the previous ones. That is the political reasoning for me.
So as it happened 3 years ago, if I don't believe in the Resurrection, the most important dogma of Christianity I'm no longer a religious person (whatever that means). It doesn't matter if I celebrate Jesus Christ's birth on Christmas; that is not what really matters, him being born and his life and works. What is really important for the Church is that he died for us and resurrected, leaving us with the Holy Ghost (notice that the Church follows one God, but it's a Holy Trinity, three different beings, the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost; curious isn't it?). That is the key point, and the key distinction between Christianity and the other Abrahamic religions.
But in a way I continue to be a Christian of sorts, since I'm someone that believes in Christ and believes in his message (I know, it is what we think is his message, from texts that have been translated several times and we don't even know if they were written by the apostles as we're told), but I'm an atheist at the same time (this seems to be an uncommon position, accepting Christ but not God). An atheist is assumed to not follow any belief of faith, not follow any religion, but I follow part of it and have a belief, a faith, in Jesus Christ; is there any name given to someone like me? Some that has a sort of faith but it's just not the same faith as per the rules of the institutions?
But in a way I continue to be a Christian of sorts, since I'm someone that believes in Christ and believes in his message (I know, it is what we think is his message, from texts that have been translated several times and we don't even know if they were written by the apostles as we're told), but I'm an atheist at the same time (this seems to be an uncommon position, accepting Christ but not God). An atheist is assumed to not follow any belief of faith, not follow any religion, but I follow part of it and have a belief, a faith, in Jesus Christ; is there any name given to someone like me? Some that has a sort of faith but it's just not the same faith as per the rules of the institutions?
Since April 2019 I no longer have any desire to get married in Church (I only have the civil marriage) and I don't want to baptise my children. There was a family pressure to do so, so that they are (in theory) raised in the catholic tradition, but that to me is now just silly.
But on the other hand I still feel something when I go to Church, in particular when I visit sacred places that have history (the same thing happens in churches, mosques, synagogues or other temples) and sometimes, like it happened today, I miss going to church and attend a mass.
But on the other hand I still feel something when I go to Church, in particular when I visit sacred places that have history (the same thing happens in churches, mosques, synagogues or other temples) and sometimes, like it happened today, I miss going to church and attend a mass.
As I wrote in the title, it's still a conflicting period and I'm myself conflicted inside (from my upbringing and the traditions, to what I currently believe)...
Three years ago was the first time that I wished a Happy Easter to people but simply because it is that period of the year and in Europe at least everyone still celebrates it (as it is also the time we celebrate life and rebirth) so wishing Happy Easter is what you do but I no longer wish to say, as in Portugal many do, "Santa Páscoa" (Holy Eastern).
Back then I didn't know how I would react the first time I would be in Portugal for Easter, with the all family doing the normal traditions, like receiving the visit from the Christ in the cross at home, saying the simple (and rhythmic) prayer from all those years ago and then kissing the figure in the cross. But then COVID happened, my (maternal) grandparents (that raised me and in particular my grandmother was the biggest influence for following the catholic traditions) passed away and the family grew apart (so no longer going to everyone's house to kiss the cross at each one). So that made it easier but I'm still not sure what will happen when I'll have to attend a catholic ceremony in the near future. Will I just observe or will I let the "experience" take over and participate like I did during all those +30 years?
Back then I didn't know how I would react the first time I would be in Portugal for Easter, with the all family doing the normal traditions, like receiving the visit from the Christ in the cross at home, saying the simple (and rhythmic) prayer from all those years ago and then kissing the figure in the cross. But then COVID happened, my (maternal) grandparents (that raised me and in particular my grandmother was the biggest influence for following the catholic traditions) passed away and the family grew apart (so no longer going to everyone's house to kiss the cross at each one). So that made it easier but I'm still not sure what will happen when I'll have to attend a catholic ceremony in the near future. Will I just observe or will I let the "experience" take over and participate like I did during all those +30 years?
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